How to Ensure a Post-Partum Psych Evaluation

1. Swear like a trucker at the orderly who wakes you at 1:00 AM to check your vitals.
   
   
2. When the nurse brings your newborn in for the third nighttime feeding in as many hours, go apesh#t on her with a friendly, "Are you effin' kidding me? There is no effin' way this effin' baby is effin' hungry again!!!"
   
   
3. Tell the resident who comes in at 5:30 AM to check your incision that it's too bad they don't sell Clearasil in his homeland, yo.
   
   
4. Make sure you are either weeping uncontrollably or swearing like a trucker at your dear, sweet, beleaguered husband any time a nurse enters the room.
   
   
5. Repeatedly call the food service department and threaten to have them shut down after a missed meal delivery.
   
   
6. Swear like a trucker.
   
   
7. Ask to speak to the manager of the nurse who doesn't arrive within five minutes of your buzzing her for pain meds.
   
   
8. Swear like a trucker.
   
   
9. Ask the lactation consultant, "Whose boobs are they, anyway, bee-ach?"
   
   
10. Shut your door in the face of the social worker who comes to check on you.
    
    
11. Tell the newborn photographer who wakes you up in the middle of a nap to f*ck off and ask him how he'd like to be awoken from the first twenty consecutive minutes of sleep he's had in three days by an a$$hole with a camera.
    
    
12. When your attending stops by for a visit and says, "I understand you've been feeling a little depressed," rip his clipboard clear out of his fat pudgy hands and scream, "WHO THE F*CK TOLD YOU?" in a defensive tone of voice.
    
    
13. For bonus points, when the psych resident arrives to conduct your evaluation, tell her to take her damn questionnaire and shove it.

Step off, A-holes. I just had a baby.

I had a touch of PPD after the kids were born. These directions are loosely based on my post-partum hospital experience.

I'm better now.

This post was my contribution to Monday Missions, hosted this month by Painted Maypole. This week's assignment was to write a post in the form of directions.