The Curse of the Velcro Eyebrows

Did you happen to notice my eyebrows in the picture I posted yesterday?

I did, just now.

"Divarama," my eye! Cro-Magnarama is more like it. If the biological purpose of eyebrows is to prevent sweat from dripping into our line of vision as we try to outrun our wilderbeast predator, it’s no wonder my ancestral lineage has been so well preserved.

I fear that both the little V-Meister and the J-Dog are destined for The Curse of the Velcro Eyebrows, considering the genetic precedent set by their parents:

Rimarama eyebrows:

(Oh, right! That's Brooke Shields! But she has Rimarama-esque brows. Exactly what mine would look like if I didn't shape 'em up.)

P-Dog eyebrows:


Come to think of it, they have a lot more to worry about than just the eyebrows.

In fact, I shudder to think of the blights the V-meister and J-dog stand to inherit from their father and me. Here is the shortlist:

• A degree of nearsightedness requiring eyeglasses so strong and thick as to rival the power of the Hubble Space Telescope


• Suh-mah teeth (some are here, some are there . . .here, there, everywhere) that will probably require years and years worth of braces


• Lampshade hair


• Mutant pinkie toes


• Snufalufagus eyelashes

. . . just to name a few.

I searched all over the internets for a photo of Snufalufagus to show you just how long his eyelashes are, in case you don't remember or never noticed (although that would be impossible). I could not find one.

It's as if he doesn't even exist.

Snufalufagus lashes are not the blessing they would appear to be.

According to the P-dog, finding a pair of sunglasses that don’t squash his obscenely long eyelashes to the point where ingrown hair becomes a concern is damn near impossible. Imagine the torture of having your eyelashes hit the lens every time you blink! He can barely see through them, which kind of defeats the purpose of the sweat shielding brows.

And, since my kids will be wearing Coke bottle spectacles as opposed to hip, dark, shades, the smashed lashes will really round out the look.

Ah, well.

It looks like we’re destined to be a Chess Club and Band Camp kind of family.

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I am updating this post to include a picture of Snuffleupagus that Rebecca of Rebecca is Fabulous was gracious enough to point me to! It appears that I was slightly off on the spelling when conducting my Google search.

Look at Those Eyelashes!