Dear "Size 6" Ankle Length Boot Cut Jeans

Thank you for meeting with me last week in the Gap dressing room to discuss your qualifications for the position of Chief Clothing Article on Rimarama.

I had the opportunity to meet with several other garments (if you must know, they were a pair of super wide-leg trousers, a pair of leggings, and even a belted tunic top, although just between you and me, I have no idea how that little sucker got past the initial screening process) and normally, I would be sending you a formulaic rejection letter.

However, I have a little bone to pick with you first, “Size 6" Ankle Length Boot Cut jean.

Although I could tell the fit was just not right from the moment I first attempted to squeeze my thigh through the wormhole you tried to pass off as a pant leg, I opted to continue on with the interview because I really, really need a new pair of jeans.

I recently fired all of my maternity jeans (you and I both know those little demi-panels were going to cut and run the minute their leave was up), mommy jeans, and antiquated stone-washed denim, and now find myself in desperate need of some hip new duds.

Plus, I thought you were just so damn cute. It’s not something I’m proud of and oh, lawd, if HR ever got wind of it, the contents of my cubicle would be in a cardboard box faster than I could say “zip fly,” but it’s the God’s honest truth.

In fact, you had several things going for you: you were stretchy, I liked your dark hue, and your frayed edges indicated that you had some experience under your belt. Your asking price was pretty reasonable, as well, considering your qualifications and the fact that I could have gotten 10% off had I opened a Gap credit account.

But if there is one thing I absolutely cannot stand in a candidate, it’s misrepresentation.

You see, I checked your so-called references after I balled you up and threw you in the corner excused you from my fitting room, and it turns out that you are really a Size 0, Slim, Long and Lean masquerading as a larger size!

I might have been able to excuse it had it been a simple shelving mix-up on the part of my screeners. But you dared to wear an actual Size 6 tag sewn into you, all the while knowing that no one who has borne even one child could ever hope to zip you up all the way, you double-crossing little heap of dung(eree).

For shame.

Therefore, I do not at all regret to inform you that after careful deliberation, I have decided not to offer you the position at this time.

And just for the record, I am going to make sure you never work in this town again. Even if a position for a Size 0 Slim, Long and Lean jean opens up in the future (WHICH I HOPE TO GOD IT WILL), you will not be considered.

Sincerely,
Rimarama
Drama Mama

This post was my contribution to today's "Monday Mission," hosted by the lovely Painted Maypole.