Remember when this blog used to be fun?
For a few days, it was looking like Rimarama might be ready to return, but she's back in the cave today. There is a darkish cloud hovering above my little word lately, and I can't get out from under it.
I attended two funerals last week - one for my grandmother, the other for a friend's father.
Last night, a man hung himself from a tree next to the V-meister's Montessori school and was discovered this morning by parents arriving to drop their children off for school. (Thankfully, none of the children saw the body or know what happened.)
Take all of the above, add a few heartbreaking blog posts I recently came across, throw in the vague sense of impending doom that has been a constant companion throughout most of my adult existence, and you have a very anxious, cranky, and heavyhearted little woman.
I'm panicky, scattered, and paralyzed with fear that if I'm not vigilant, the worst will happen. I know this is no way to live, but I'm not sure how to begin changing it.
I don't care how low the odds are of something horrible happening to my family, the mere fact that they exist is reason enough for me to retreat into my fearful center, from where I nag and bitch and bark anxious, frenzied orders to the people I love the most.
Despite death having literally crossed the doorstep, there was a Valentine's Day party in the church hall after school today, and I couldn't stand still long enough to have a conversation for the need to make sure the J-dog wasn't about to fall headlong down the stairs or stick his finger in an electrical socket or choke on a piece of hard candy. The sight of the V-meister leaving the "Duck Duck Goose" circle in resignation (or maybe just plain boredom) after being passed over one too many times almost brought me to tears.
This is not a healthy way to be.
A few months ago, when I posted about fear mongering in the media, Janet of Three and Holding suggested a book by Eckhart Tolle called The Power of Now. I recently began reading it, and it led me to another book - A Course In Miracles.
This book's background seems to be clouded in mystery. I don't understand how, exactly, it came to be, or who is really speaking through it, but I find it strangely compelling. Have any of you heard of this book or read it?
I want very much to live in the present, without fear.
So I am going to audit the course in miracles and see where it takes me.
I'll keep you posted (heh).
P.S. This entire post was dictated to me by a voice inside my head.*
*Not really
33 comments:
You've been through the wringer, I think it's normal to feel anxious during these trying times. So give yourself a break.
It was Jen from oneplustwo who recommended the Eckhart Tolle book to me when I wrote a post about being an excessive worrier. She's wise, that Jen. You know what else is a good book? The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I read it a few years ago but it's a good reminder to trust your primal instincts when it comes to fear - - they are well-honed. The other things we tend to 'fear' are just a waste of time.
Take care of you, okay?
I've read both of those books you mention. ACIM was many, many years ago and a lot of how it speaks to you will depend on your fundamental belief system.
For me, I hold on to the knowledge that everything in life is transitory. Tragedy doesn't single us out. We're all subject to it. It's dukkha.. samsara.
That keeps me sane. There is no way to avoid samsara so it makes more sense to simply accept it and go on with life.
That's just my take on it, for what it's worth.
Hope you find the answers you are looking for....
Before my son died, I had been to exactly two funerals of people I knew in my 27 years on the earth. I went to TEN in the year after he died. Of people I knew and loved very much or that were very loved by people I cared deeply about.
The reactions that you are having are very normal when you have experienced loss.
The way that life "Skews" is normal, too. People ask me what it was like when my son passed away. I tell them to picture the moment they found out about 9-11 and times it by a thousand. (Obviously NOT if they had loved ones there).
The world will right itself, sweetie. It WILL. You just need time to work through it first and take some time.
And as for this blog not being fun? SO WHAT? Life is not always fun. My blog can be a pretty sad place at times and I am as fun as they come.
This blog can also be a good, helpful tool to you right now. There are lots of people with willing ears, shoulders and arms who care a lot about you.
Hugs, babe.
You know what? This place doesn't have to be fun. Not one bit. Life isn't always. You should blog and comment without obligation, live on your terms, and don't think twice about what this should be.
You are real. Really Rima, no matter what. And we like that.
I agree with Liv entirely. This is YOUR blog. I had very similar feelings in December/January which is why I didn't write at all. But I've been thinking lately that perhaps that wasn't the best thing to do. Feel free to write whatever is in your heart. You don't have to be funny for us all the time. And if you don't feel like writing and you need to rest, then that's fine, too. I've got you in my reader, so as soon as you come back, I'll be here! :)
I don't have any advice for you. But I do remember having intrusive, anxious thoughts after the last two big life changes of mine--Charlie being born, and moving. It was awful and I didn't know how to pull myself out of it, but it eventually got better on its own.
I really hope you feel like yourself again soon.
I'm sorry that all of this is happening at once for you. Its so much easier to filter in small doses. There really isnt anything I can say to make it better and I know thats not what you are looking for anyways. Just know that I'm here for you if you need to chat!
Really sorry to hear that you've been feeling this way. I know how incredibly crushing those feelings can be. There's been a few times in my life when they've they crept in and took hold for awhile.
What's helped for me is quite a few long, stern yet understanding inner dialogs where I remind myself that fear feeds on fear and life is not anything you can control. 99.9 percent of the time things go so well that we take it all for granted. It's only when they go badly that you really think about the fragile nature of life. I realized that allowing myself to dwell on those fears was taking away from all the wonderful things in life. Life is too short to spend filled with fear. And your family is too precious to keep the happy, vivacious, fun aspect of your personality under the cloud of anxiety.
Not sure what your personal philosophy or faith system is but whatever it is now is the time to lean on it. This has helped me immensely in difficult times.
Hope this helps and your days brighten soon.
I know a lot of people, including me, who've been feeling the same way. Any one of the things you talk about could shake you up - to have all of them happen at once - especially in these dark days when it seems like winter will never end, is a lot for anyone to handle.
I've had to stop taking anti depressants since I got pregnant and there are two things that have helped. One is a really good workout, go do some jazzercise! And being naturally lazy by nature, I hate to admit that. The other is to break down and have a good, exhausting cry, the kind where you're limp afterwards. That helps too.
I hope you feel better, but no pressure...in good time. =)
Oh my goodness, Rima. I just want to give you a big ol' bear hug. I know that sense of impending doom. hang on, darlin.
I haven't read either of those books you mentioned, but they sound interesting. I've been in that space of impending doom before and I know it's a scary place to be. I'm sorry you're going through that and I hope the cloud of fear lifts soon.
-andi
Oh Rima. If you lived next door, I'd bring over some tea and biscuits (or coffe and donuts).
When I read the duck duck story, my heart sunk. We recently had a playdate where my 18 mo. son kept getting his toys 'stolen'. It haunts me still. I often get in dark funks too and eventually it passes (and returns).
You've been through SOOO much lately my friend. It will take some time for the process to work it's way through. I sincerely hope the cloud lifts soon. And it will. In time.
Let me know when you want the donuts.
That is an awful lot of sadness for one person to take in such a short period of time. No wonder you are feeling anxious.
I am the same way. Constantly trying to avoid something horrible happening to my boys. Living in a cloud of fear. I am always envisioning my boys falling off the jungle gym and breaking their necks, falling down the stairs, choking on food. You name it. I heard somewhere that most moms have this. It is our protector instinct trying to prepare for any worse case scenario. Still it sucks.
I hope you feel better soon, and that the books help.
So sorry to hear of your grandmother's passing.
The closest I ever got to ACIM was the audio version of AReturn to Love, read by Marianne Williamson, (which was an interpretation of sorts of ACIM) many years ago. It was a good message at the right time for me.
You just lost someone very important to you. It's a tough time.
Power of Now is a great book. We all should live more in the Now because it's all we truly know we have.
The Course of Miracles...eh, I'm not such a big fan of. If you can read it somewhat objectively, there is a level of duality to it I can't get over. But that's me and my nit picky ideas about God and spirituality. Lots of people who get into the New Thought stuff really enjoy her. I'm just not one of them.
I'm sorry, Rima. I wish I could take some of your dark thoughts away.
Hang in there!
Heidi
I know the book well and others like it. Shakti Gawain-- don't know if this is the correct spelling and I'm too lazy to google! -- was also helpful to me. The terrible truth is that these things do happen and they will to us. I once sat in a doctor's office and heard: "You have cancer." Boom. Old world gone.
THere's potential disaster all around AND potential beauty, success and joy. If you focus on the disaster -- even before it happens--then you live through the emotion associated with the disaster without the disaster itself! SO even though your chid doesn't fall of that bridge, by imagining this horrific possibility, you go through the experience anyway.
It's hard to do, but I try to focus on the potential positives around and FEEL those instead.
Finally (Advice Matron Here), when I am consumed with sadness and worry, I schedule a time to sit with my anxieties. Honest. So whenever a worry pops into my mind, I Repress (Freud loves me) and say: "I'll worry about that at 8 pm."
Sometimes I write these things down and then I give myself half an hour to roll in the muck. It really helps.
This too shall pass. All is transitory.
I have both of those books. I started reading Power of Now and really had trouble getting through it. I don't think I even opened Course in Miracles but I have friends who swear by it. What I've been trying to do lately is let go of the fear and just live. If it happens it happens. Perfect case in point, us trying to sell this stupid condo for 8 months now. I've been living in fear of foreclosure but you know what, if it happens it happens and we'll deal with it somehow right? So blog about anything you want. I love reading your blog and won't be offended if it's not funny all the time : )
Oh, my goodness. :(
There are times life is so much less than fun. When it all feels like a dark, scary alley and you don't know what might be lurking. I've experienced that myself and it's a frightening place to be. I'm so sorry you're going through it now.
You and your grandmother have actually been on my mind these past few days. I know I will have to face that loss one day and even thinking about it empties my heart.
I'm sending good, solid-ground thoughts your way.
You don't always have to be funny! Lately, I've been a downright drag. But such is life. Ups and downs are inevitable. You've been through a horribly stressful time lately. Don't worry. The laughs will come back when they will. In time. I'll still be here when they do, of course. You're my cute little Rima!
Rima, what a terrible time you've been having lately. It's only natural that you're feeling like you are right now. Blogs can't always be about a rosy world, life just isn't like that. Things will get better, you'll see.
Hugs to you...
This is the time of year that my former principal used to call "The Mean Season". It's been dark just long enough that we're sick of it, but actual spring is too far away. And then life keeps throwing you slimeballs.
I've been tense for months, I got a zoloft/xanax cocktail last week - but I think I'd rather read the books.
Sending you good mojo.....
oy. that week would depress Mary Poppins. sorry for your losses, and hope that the black cloud moves on soon, or at least lightens to a lovely shade of grey.
Hey Rima, J (and little J) and I love you and are thinking of you.
The post about your grandmother's history was incredibly moving.
love,
S.
Take some time for you. I know you'll get better - but you've been hit pretty hard!
I haven't heard of that book - I'm off to check it out.
Take care of yourself!
Yes, yes, I know the obsessing over small chances of large catastrophe. How could you not, being a mama? Seriously. I had nightmares for months after my baby was born about terrible complicated highly HIGHLY unlikely things that might happen to him. I admire your honesty in sharing this, you never know who you may help. Good work! And keep on keeping on, this too shall pass.
I actually have heard of A Course in Miracles. I'd enjoy hearing about it, if you do so on your blog. With all that you have been through lately, it is only natural that you would be clutching your loved ones in toward you. Only natural. I'm so sorry for the losses - personal and around you. Suicide is always a huge shock - even if you don't know the person closely.
Thank you for sharing bits of your life with us. I hope that somehow getting some words out helps.
Take good care of yourself.
Sometimes life IS hard and tragic and sad and I don't feel any obligation at all to pretend I'm happy at those times. Life has dealt you a hard hand, currently.
Well, just an OMFG to the person hanging themselves in front of your school! What the hell???
I understand where you are, because I'm kind of there myself - at least where the blog is concerned. My brain is foggy with outside stuff, and I can't clear it enough to write. Sometimes I think you just have to pretend until it's real.
Good luck, darlin. We miss you!
Oh, my, Rima. I've been meaning to get back here and send you my sympathy on the loss of your grandmother. I'm sorry.
Well, it sounds like all the good advice has been doled out.
I particularly like what the Matron said; she is so wise.
I hope you are finding a little peace and I'm sorry for the hard times of late.
You have been through a lot lately, blog about what you need to, the fun will come back when you are ready. What is blogging for if not for getting things out in the open and off of your chest. True *friends* will hang out here and listen as long as you need it.
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