I Dodged the Bullet

The V-meister and I were flipping through a family photo album earlier today when I was seized with a maniacal compulsion to point out one shot in particular where I was about six weeks along with the J-Dog.

Me: "I'm dying to tell you how babies are made!" "See this one here? J-dog was just a tiny speck in my belly then, waiting to be born!"

My Head Voice, clucking: "Bawk! Baaaawk! Say, 'uterus'! Baaawk!Chickensh1t!Baaawk."

V-Meister, peering at the photo: "But why was he in there?"

Head Voice, beeping urgently: "Danger, Will Robinson!"

Me: "Well, did you know that before we come to live here on Earth, we live in Heaven with God and we have, like, invisible bodies called 'souls'? When it's time for us to be born, we go from living with God to living inside our mamas for awhile, where we grow bodies around our souls until we're ready to come out into the world. Because, you see little V-meister, you need a body to live in the world!"

Head Voice: "Wow. That was deep, Sylvia Browne. What kind of superpowers do these invisible bodies have?"

V-Meister: "But how do the babies get out of the mamas' bellies?"

Head Voice: "Uh-oh . . . Say, it, b1tch!"

Me: "Through a little hole called uh . . . uh . . . a 'vuh-jay-jay' 'vagina.'"

V-Meister: "Oh."

Me: "Any more questions?"

Head Voice: "Are you retarded, Rimarama?"

V-Meister: "But. . . why do the babies have to come out of a hole? Why can't the mamas go up there and bring the babies back? Maybe God could put a little bit of glitter in His hand and rub it around and then say the magic formula so the babies could come down here. The babies shouldn't have to come out of a hole."

Me and Head Voice, in unison: "Ain't that the truth."

V-Meister: "What did you say, Mama?"

Me: "Well, there's no actual glitter involved, but the way it happens is kind of like magic. It's . . . a miracle!! The Miracle of Life!"

Head Voice, making choking noises: "Gag. me. with. a. spoon."

Me: "Hey! Let's go watch TV and eat candy!"


Fin.