I had to get a CT scan* today and even though I was very cooperative, it made me think fondly of the time when, six weeks into my first pregnancy, I refused to go through the airport metal detector.
It doesn't make much sense in retrospect, but I wasn't 100% clear on how those things worked. I was convinced that passing under the metal detector would somehow result in trauma to the unborn V-meister, and, like wine, caffeine, pain killers, hot baths, lunch meat, hair dye, lying on my stomach, and riding roller coasters, was to be avoided at all costs.
"Excuse me, but I'm pregnant?" I said to the security officer. "And I really don't think I should walk under that thing. It might not be safe at this critical stage of gestation, you know what I mean?"
He gave me a weary once over while I tried to pooch out my first trimester belly.
"Lady, I guarantee the metal detector won't hurt your baby, but if you want, you can have a manual search over there," he said, indicating a female security officer standing a few feet away.
I shuffled over.
"Hi! I'm six weeks pregnant and would like a manual weapons search, please."
The female security officer gave me a look that had, "Bitch, please" written all over it. As it happened, she was pregnant, too, and she passed under the metal detector like twenty times a day.
I gave her a look that plainly said, "Good luck with your three-headed baby." I wanted that manual weapons search, and I wanted it bad.
The two of us engaged in a little staredown, and then I had the distinct pleasure of getting frisked by a hugely pregnant, hormonal, and very pissed off airport security officer.
So, I saved the V-meister from being born with an extra toe, but later on I accidentally ate a hot dog and negated the whole damn thing.
*No cause for alarm. Even though I'm feeling much better now that the Q-Tip debris has been removed, my ENT wanted to get a look at my sinuses, which are still kind of wonky.
11 comments:
"Hi! I'm six weeks pregnant and would like a manual weapons search, please."
OMG I'm still laughing!!!
Well, aren't you a saucy little pregnant minx?
When I was 41 weeks pregnant (that's not a typo) with H. and, oh yeah, it was ALSO MY 30th BIRTHDAY, I had, like, half a glass of wine. My husband raised a "should you be doing that" eyebrow.
So I disemboweled him on the spot. He now carries his innards in a Ziploc baggie. Don't mess with motherhood, ya'll.
That, my dear, is a very funny story. I keep chuckling as I think about the hugely pregnant female security officer.
I accidentally eat hot dogs almost every time I go to Costco!
Hahaha! Better safe than sorry!
I still refuse to let The Boy touch a q-tip because of you
OMG!
you are too damn funny!!!
I made men lift 10 pound boxes for me when I was pregnant the first time. I was so clueless.
I had 2 CT scans last summer. As tests go, they're not so bad I didn't think anyway. Until you get the bill.
Nominated you here: http://chickychickybaby.blogspot.com/2009/02/january-rofls.html
I too had a vision of a manual weapon search!!
before I knew I was pregnant with No.1 I worked as an aircraft engineer and lifted 36 seats from 3 aircraft and put them all back in again a few hours later - every night for a week. I also cleaned off some floorboards with a particularly nasty chemical. I was convinced my baby would look like an alien. I was sooo relieved to hear he was fine at the first scan.
Why wouldn't you eat hotdogs btw?
Oh, man, the things I did while pregnant...and I wonder why Joles is such a spaz.
but no extra toe and no third eyes that I'm aware of.
My Mom used to say "I took sleeping pills when I was pregnant with you and you turned out FINE"
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