The Great Interview Experiment: Avitable

The beauty of Neil's Great Interview Experiment is that a blogger like me, who frets about whether feelings will be hurt before hitting "Publish" on every post and feels compelled to mask obscenities under a thin veil of pound signs and asterisks, gets to interview the uncensored Avitable, who "crotch punches nuns and hates babies," and whose tagline is, "Tact is for Pussies."

Oh yeah, and he doesn't wear pants. Ever.

If you aren't already familiar with the ubiquitous Avitable, you should go check him out. He's very entertaining (when he's not drop-kicking puppies.)

1. Why is tact for pussies?
   
   Because "Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Avitable." was already taken.
   
   
2. What, do you think, is so gratifying about making people laugh?
   
   Typically, if I can get them to laugh enough, they may pee their pants, especially if they are women who have passed bowling balls and/or children out of their vaginas. And then, as a sign of solidarity, I can pee myself too, because all of the cool kids pee their pants. This makes me look awesome and then people refer to me on the same level as Jesus and Bono.
   
   
3. According to Adlerian theory, a person’s earliest memory becomes the theme of his life. What’s yours?
   
   I subscribe to Sandlerian theory instead, which states that shampoo is bettah.
   
   
4. When’s the last time you cried?
   
   I had my tear ducts shot off in the Great War and so they rerouted those synapses to my penis so now when I cry I have an orgasm. To answer your question: 10 minutes ago.
   
   
5. What do you typically eat for breakfast? (besides pussies. Just kidding!)
   
   The souls of small children. Or Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
   
   
6. What would your life soundtrack be?
   
   Avril Lavigne, Taylor Swift, Gwen Stefani, Pink, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, U2, and Sinead O'Connor.
   
   
7. Please describe your most embarrassing moment to date.
   
   http://www.avitable.com/2007/03/09/1988-de-classified/
   
   
8. How did you meet your wife and what made you fall in love with her?
   
   Well, I used to work for her as a farmboy and we didn't speak much. In fact, all I'd say to her was "As you wish." The rest was history.
   
   
9. You’ve been invited to the White House for an exclusive meeting with the President and it’s going to be televised. Will you wear pants?
   
   That's a ridiculous question. Everyone knows that exclusive meetings with the President are clothing optional.

Thanks, Avitable!