Somebody Save Me From Myself

I’m all in a tizzy today because this afternoon, the P-Dog and I are leaving for a short vacation, sans enfants.

It’s just a little weekend trip to a spa/resort a few hours from here, but we plan to sleep in till noon every day, take our meals sitting down, and swear out loud at every turn.

As is always the case before any trip we take without the kids, I am starting to get zippy and my OCD tendencies are kicking in to full gear.

Not a single item of dirty laundry may be left in the basement, not a dirty dish in the dishwasher, not one item of garbage in the bin. If any of these conditions equal “true,” and I were to realize it on the drive up, my mind would simply leave my body and return home to reside in the dishwasher or dryer, or, more likely, the garbage can.

I must line up all of our shoes in the foyer according to size, straighten the hand towels on their racks so the hems are perfectly lined up, and make sure that not a drawer or cabinet is left ajar. All stray hairs must be eliminated from the sink and tub, and the calendar days must be marked off to reflect the day on which we will return.

If we return.

All this on top of the necessity to pack enough crap to last me through an exile worthy of a queen and the nagging suspicion that this act of selfishness and greed (the vacation) constitutes an enormous withdrawal from the Bank of Equilibrium and will naturally come around to bite me in me bum in the shape of harm to my children.

See why my panties are all in a knot?

I’m really going to need that couples aromatherapy massage we signed ourselves up for.

Hopefully this time I’ll work up the courage to go.

I am petrified.

Besides the sheer terror of disrobing (I'm keeping my drawers on, y'all), there are other issues. Years ago, I had a decidedly unpleasant experience on a visit to the fatherland involving my wrinkled Auntie L, a cedar wood sauna, and an ancient Nordic massage therapy that included a wet birch branch and vigorous thrashing. And because I didn’t have the foresight to pack my swimsuit on my mid-winter sojourn to the frozen north, I had to endure this procedure in my birthday suit itself. It’s a post for another day.

So.

I’ll be MIA for a few days, but with any luck, I'll be back next week, bright-eyed and bushy tailed.