The Toothpaste Bandit

A few months ago, we noticed that the little V-meister was sporting a full set of teeth. This was a real shocker because the last time we checked, she had maybe four.

With the combined power of our graduate and professional degree holding intellects and some 30+ years of schooling, the P-Dog and I also noted, on the label of her all-you-can-eat baby toothpaste, some words to the effect that it was meant for children ages 0 months to 2 years.

We quickly did the math and decided it was time to move the V-meister up to the next toothpaste level. Also that she should by now be using an actual toothbrush instead of the rubber gum massager.

(See, it’s really a good thing she’s never been to the dentist, because whooooo boy, would we have looked like a couple of ding-dongs!)

The little V-meister was thusly graduated, at the tender age of three-and-a-half, to non-palatable, big girl, licensed character toothpaste. She got to pick it out all by herself from Le Tar-Jay and, like any self-respecting pre-schooler, went straight for the brand with the brightest packaging and highest concentration of red dye #40.

That would be the Curious George Banana Berry flavored toothpaste extravaganza.

You couldn’t have gotten the little V-meister more excited about tooth brushing if you had placed before her an entire bowl of whipped cream topped with twenty cherries and Curious George himself.

The only catch, we quickly discovered, was the toothpaste was not only appealing to the eye, but it also tasted very, very nummy. So nummy, in fact, that it was all but impossible for the little V-meister to restrain from swallowing it by the mouthful.

BUT THE TOOTHPASTE IS NOT EDIBLE! I repeat! Not edible!

Before she had her first go at actually brushing with it, we made a big production out of giving her a big kid toothpaste tutorial and demo: We do not thwallow thith very thpecial toothpaste. We thwish it around in our mouths with thum water like this, thee? And then we thpit it out in the think!

And when the little V-meister was finally allowed to try her hand at it, the P-dog and I hovered about like a couple of hummingbirds on crack, carefully observing her throat muscles for any signs that they might be moving contraband toothpaste downwards to the tummy.

But what we hadn’t counted on was 1) the little V-meister is a master of deception and 2) she is smart enough to get her toothpaste fix on the sly, once mama and daddy are downstairs vegging out in front of the TV and eating all of the ice cream in the house that is off limits to people who are under four feet tall. (And, lest anyone dare inquire, I am over four feet tall.)

So last night, just as we were settling down to an episode of House, MD and two giant ice cream sundaes, a ruckus was heard overhead. Having lost the coin toss, I ventured forth to investigate, but as I approached the top stair, all I caught was a fleeting glimpse of someone in footed bunny PJs making a beeline from the bathroom to her bed.

This happened two or three more times. We’d hear a ruckus, one of us would sneak upstairs, but the damn creaky floorboards would give us away and by the time we arrived, the V-meister would be lying placidly in her little bed. Eyes wide as saucers and feet barely contained under blankets, but in bed, nonetheless.

Finally, on the fourth mission – success! The V-meister was caught red-handed in the bathroom, with Dixie cups full of red Curious George Banana Berry flavor non-ingestible toothpaste lined up on the top of the commode as if it were her own personal wet bar, a tell-tale toothpaste mustache rimming her mouth.

After being successfully convinced that she was, in fact, only making preparations for The Great Toothpaste Tasting of 2007 and hadn’t actually eaten more than a pea-sized amount, I decided to forego the call to Poison Control. I tucked the little V-meister back into bed with a dire warning that a repeat performance was sure to result in a gigantic tummyache and maybe even a trip to the Pediatrician, and returned to my melting ice cream sundae and my color TV.

The Curious George toothpaste has now been confiscated and it’s Arm and Hammer baking soda with water for the little V-meister from here on out.

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Oh, and guess what? It's de-lurking day on the internet!

I swear I am not making this up.

No pressure or anything, though.