J-Dog Manifesto

Yo, yo, yo!

J-Dog here.

I hijacked the short tempered mother figure's laptop while she was busy picking lint off the couch.

While I'm at the helm, I'm taking the opportunity to lay down some ground rules for the mutha.

Perchance all of y'all could pass these on to her for me?

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I, J-Dog Rama, speaking on behalf of toddlers the world over,
Address this Manifesto to all people of good will and short fuses, (but especially MamaRama),
Declare my unwavering commitment to uphold the tenets set forth in this document, and
Invite all the childrenz of the world to join me in my effort at achieving the goals outlined herein.

I hold the following principles to be essential, and maintain that I have the right:

• To feed mySELF. No need to be all up in mah' grill with yer dang spoon anymore, mama.
  
  
• To nod off in my car seat whenever the moment is right, afternoon naps be damned. Don't be trying to stop me with your incessant chatter, your yawn-inducing rounds of the Lithuanian National Anthem, and your perpetual rolling up and down of the car window, woman.
  
  
• To run screaming in the opposite direction at shoe and/or coat donning time, then drop to the floor squirming when you be comin' at me with that sleeve, yo.
  
  
• To take a dump the minute you zip up my snowsuit.
  
  
• To smear my foot in my poop filled diaper, then flip over on the changing table and perform a nose dive onto the floor.
  
  
• To sample the occasional mouthful of dirt from time to time.
  
  
• To turn the storybook page whenever I see fit, and not when the written word dictates.
  
  
• To stand up in the tub.
  
  
• To pee in the tub.
  
  
• To poop in the tub
  
  
• To lick the shopping cart handle to my heart's content and don't be crampin' my style with no pimped out cart cover, betch.
  
  
• To be told I'm loved every day and held whenever the need arises.
  
  
• To melt and break your heart a million times over and do it again.

Note to the Mutha: To remove the oven safety guard, keeping tab firmly pressed down with one hand, use the alternate hand to snap lid free (she has a hell of a time with this, people.)

That's it for today, my peeps. I'll try to post again soon if I can get online. If any of my fellow macro-cephalic folk would like to add items to this here manifesto, I would be happy to oblige.

Oh, and a special shout out goes to In the Thick of It, who was the inspiration for this post. I hear you have a cute and feisty sixteen-month old daughter. (Call me.)

Peace out, my friends.