Either she was employing some seriously advanced bedtime stalling tactics, or my firstborn is preparing for a career in law enforcement, because the V-meister then proceeded to catalog for me - with great zeal - a list of additional "safety violations" she'd gleaned from watching Lou and Lou Safety Patrol every morning on Playhouse Disney:
- You should always wear a helmet when riding your bike. The helmet must match the color of your bike.*
- Always make sure that your shoelaces are tied before riding your bike. Your shoelaces could get caught up in the pedals and you could fall over and hurt yourself.
- Make sure your bike doesn't have a flat tire. You could flip over.
- It is a safety violation to put anything in an electrical outlet or accidentally unplug Mama's laptop that has a dead battery.
- It is a safety violation to stand in the middle of the street.
- It is a safety violation to put your hand near a rotating fan.
- It is a safety violation to climb up on your dresser and touch the Moon in Your Room because the Moon in Your Room could fall down on your foot**
I've never seen anyone more jazzed about the prospect of getting hit by a car or having a finger sliced off by a fan blade. Maybe it was just that lights out was being postponed, but the V-meister was absolutely giddy with excitement.
She tried to stifle the giggles by placing one delicate hand over her mouth, then took a quick moment to pull herself together, stating, "I shouldn't be laughing, Mama, because safety violations are not funny." But she just couldn't get it together, because, if we're honest, who among us is not nuts about safety violations?I cut her off at Safety Violation Number One Hundred and Nine: "It is a safety violation to swallow big girl toothpaste," assuring her that our discussion could continue the next day.
The little V-meister was amenable to this prospect and fell asleep within minutes, visions of safety violations dancing in her head.
On the one hand, I'm glad that my daughter is so acutely aware of potential safety hazards and that she's taking them seriously. On the other, I suspect I may be setting her up for a tense and lonely life of worrywartdom, like mine.
Of course I want her to be vigilant, but I fear (DO YOU SEE? What I mean?) that it's too late and she's already been indoctrinated into my curmudgeonly cult of caution.
* The V-meister doesn't even freaking have a bike (it's a safety violation), and furthermore, I believe she used poetic license here.
** This one reeks of someone having actually climbed up on her dresser to touch the Moon in Her Room, don't you think?
P.S. You know what else is a safety violation? Running outside to photograph the hungry horny buck that wandered into your backyard to feast at the foot of your apple tree:
"You're dead, lady."
21 comments:
hil-freakin-larious.
love the line "I shouldn't be laughing, Mama, because safety violations are not funny."
Actually, just loved the whole darn thing. Thanks for the giggles.
That is hilarious! The picture is amazing too.
(You should SO have a humor column woman!! A nationally syndicated one.)
I think Lou and Lou are trouble makers! Could you imagine if they were on tv back in our day! Um, no carseats, no seatbelts, no bike helmets. They'd have a field day!
I am a bit (understatement of the year!) of a worrier myself and am desperately trying not to pass that on to my already cautious boys.
Holy big buck!
I don't don't know which amazed me more your daughter's knowledge of Health, Safety and Welfare (my hubby would be so proud if that was one of ours - he's a HS&W officer!) or the fact that you have a HUGE stag in your back garden.
What a day you've had.
Ha! Lizzy loves the Safety Patrol, too. Once while I was driving I answered my cell phone and she screamed "SAFETY VIOLATION! SAFETY VIOLATION! IT'S NOT SAFE TO TALK ON THE PHONE WHILE DRIVING!" And I was like, "So arrest me! Isn't it a safety violation to scare the bejesus out of your mother while she's driving?" Needless to say, two months later it became a traffic violation to drive in California while holding a cell phone.
Note to self: Stay on Lizzy's good side...
When my 2 oldest were young, they liked nothing more than our reading to them a book called, "Dinosaurs Beware," which catalogued all sorts of safety precautions with illustrations of dinosaurs indulging in dangerous activities.
SO cute. I know that I've passed my worrying down to my 12yo girl. I feel guilty, but what do you do?
It's official. The nut doesn't fall too far from the tree. Like mother, like daughter.
And that deer? Sup with that? Do you have a salt block lick out or something? :)
Do be careful around the deer - they've actually been known to hurt people!
My oldest child is freakisly safety concious. She has a little first aid booklet that she carries around in her purse (purse?) at all times, lest someone needs her to spring into superheroesque action.
Could the V-meister come to my house to teach little R about the importance of avoiding SAFETY VIOLATIONS like, say, running with sharp objects or hitting Mama in the face with the corner of a hardback book? How much would she charge for a tutorial?
The V-Meister is a girl after my own heart.
(And PS: that deer photo just gave Ellie a stroke. Seriously, if that happened in our yard the kid would pass out from sheer joy.)
I have six hours at the emergency room to attest to the bike/scooter without shoes thing. My son still has scars on the tops of his toes.
Hi. I'm new here.
Your child has a future working for OSHA!
And that deer has CRAZY EYES!
You've got Wild Kingdom going on at your house. Amazing BUCK. Kind of unnerving ...his staring into the camera that way.
I love these safety violations. I'd like little V to tell my girl about the not swallowing toothpaste violation. Would it be possible to borrow her?
BlogHer is great. Fishnets were out for about...oh, 20 minutes - a walk around the block and down they were a rollin..stuffed into purse. A good time had by all but the fishnets... Wish you were here.
LOL!
Ah yes, from hypochondria central, an addition to your list:
Don't rid a bike without shoes. You can rip off a toe nail.
And yes, this is from experience.
"curmudgeonly cult of caution"
Love it! :)
That buck is HUGE!
i won't let MQ sleep with a necklace on either, but wild animals are always fair game. ;)
have a look on my last post.
Love it! So glad I stumbled upon you!!!
Your daughter can run with my oldest, who just learned how to make fire balls with lighter fluid. Safety hazard #110.
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