Real Estate Dos and Don'ts

Or, "How to sell your hut in two months or less and negotiate a thoroughly mediocre real estate deal":

• Do . . . price your hut dirt cheap to move.

• Do . . . photoshop the bejeebus out of the photos that are posted online.
  
  
• Do . . . appeal to at least three out of five of your potential buyers' senses by decorating your hut tastefully, keeping it neat as a pin, flooding it with light, strategically placing fresh flowers, and brewing a pot of coffee or baking some Otis Spunkmeier cookies before every showing. Also, bust out the Febrize and spray the sh1t out of everything in sight.
  
  
• Don't . . . chuck wayward toys into your vegetable crisper when frantically picking up the house for a last minute showing. People could totally look in there.
  
  
• Don't . . . decline any showings. If, for example, a potential buyer wants to come back for a second look the day after their first showing, don't turn them away because it's your kid's nap time! You and everyone else involved will get a taunting email from the centralized showing service saying, "Second showing DECLINED BY SELLER." And you will have a lot of 'splaining to do to your real estate lady.
  
  
• Do . . . ask for your long-awaited offer in writing before moving forward with negotiations. Especially if you happen to be on vacation in Canuckland with a crappy cell phone connection. It's possible you could mistake the amount of money the buyer wants us you to pay in closing costs for the amount of their down payment! Ha ha ha ha! Having inaccurate information in this regard could adversely affect the ensuing negotiations.
  
  
• Do . . . bury a statue of Saint Joseph in your yard.

Was it a coinkydink or divine intervention that sold my hut? You be the judge.

(I must add that I think our real estate agent redeemed herself in the end. I almost choked on my Eggbeaters omelet when I noticed that she had our hut listed as a "showcase property" on the local real estate site. When I told our potential buyers to take a hike because it was the J-dog's nap time, she immediately got on the horn with their broker to make amends. And when it came down to the wire in our negotiations, she took a hit with her commission and got the other agent to reduce hers, as well, in order to push the deal through.)

Ah, but real estate bidness is not my only excuse for abandoning the old blog and chain during the past few weeks - I also went on vacation, had a stomach bug, and lost precious hours of my life towards the scrubbing of one hundred thousand laminated flashcards, wooden beads, and brass bells for end-of-year Montessori school clean up.

Also, since we didn't get the house we bid on earlier this month, we are now in the exciting and also frightening position of trying to find a new house to move into before we need to vacate this one. And it's kind of slim pickings.

Let me ask you this: would you buy a house that is overpriced, super Hi-Kwality on the inside, but kind of looks like it should be in a Florida retirement community instead of the sludgy midwest?

And how tacky is it to have a ginormous wet bar in your family room or a wall mounted TV above the jacuzzi in the master bath?

Just wondering.